I'm back. Cheers.

I still need to spell it out, as usual.
Week 10, bad cycle which goes round and round. I'm still awaiting for his return week after weeks. Call me desperado please, I'm desperate for him sometimes. As if he do not return at all, in fact he did for constantly for number of weeks. I'm so not used to his absence. 2 more weeks to go, I'm still counting for it to end. I had been thinking a lot, you know as a girl, we really do think a lot! What do you mean when you ask us not to think dude?

Girls = Think-a-lot-creature

If you do not want us to think so much, try to fit yourself into our shoes! Well, after all I might ask you to be a gay if you can think like a girl. Hey you! We think a lot because our hormones makes us think a lot, if and only if one day we stop our menstrual cycle, hormones stop producing monthly, we are not pregnant, not having menopause (menopause is a bigger problem! Be ready for that when your wife is in her fifties), and be your barbie doll.

My boyfriend aka Chuana, always making me speechless but with plenty of thoughts going on in my head. I want him to do this to do that, yet I cannot bear to let him go through all those nonsense. The rational part of my mind controls all my ridiculous obsessive and possessive ideas. Yes, obsessiveness with my vain and materialistic nature and possessiveness with my spoil brat attitude! 

Argh, dilemma. Being single is so lonely, but having a boyfriends makes me having wrinkles!

Reflection

The last time I wrote for myself had been ages. Things happens and they just cannot slow down according to my pace.

Hi, I'm dating him. It had been a few months yet this feeling still like a flatworm, sucking all mine deep inside my stomach. Yes, I still cannot bring myself to believe it. There are days where I sat in front of him, looking intensely at this man whom I think that I love him, a man that I knew not long ago, a man who let me look up to him, a man who is more mature then me. 

I look at his lips, and smiled to myself,  that is my favorite nowadays. Who would have imagine that, from a fellow whom I did not even bother to take notice of to he who managed to steal my heart. 

He takes care of me, like a princess, maybe a mile from what my daddy does, but I'm sure its nearer than anybody else. He spoils me like a brat, giving me all I want reasonably. That's him, my lover.

Somehow I know its not fair to compare, yet because of comparison, I appreciate him, cherish him, admire him, adore him and love him. 

Love, a great word and deep meanings. I did not realize that I already gave him my heart till one night, a small matter, but my heart flooded with those awful memories and intense feeling when I could not contact him. I realized how much I care. 

Obstacles, just can't let me off. Religion, my stand in life,  challenge this relationship more than anything else. Endless debate in my mind bugging me all the time when I gave a serious thought about it. Yet all that I did was brushed it off without a conclusion. Maybe its too far to even think about it now.

125 days, still counting.

Friendship, one thing which is beyond our control because it takes both to compliment each other. But people change as time passed.

I watch her changes, from time to time, makes me feel so troubled at times. Maybe it wasn't about her changes, it is me, did not know her well enough. Sprung around, then only I try to think hard, is she doing others stuff too when I was close with her.

Distances makes hearts grow fonder? Seriously I miss those who are far apart from me. Thanks to internet and those social website, at least I still can take a glimpse of what is happening around them. Deep down I feel happy for them looking at how far they had went since the day we were apart. Some friendships, like antiques, becoming more precious as time flies.

Its kinda unfair!

You know what, I'm really very unhappy for everything that happens throughout all this while. There are so much bitterness that I cant contain it any longer in my heart. Twisted relationship makes my heart distorted as well.

Dear friend, I heard that you are in love. Congratulations. Its really happy to see you in a relationship. but you makes all of us feel so awkward. I wonder if you would ever notice those head-turn-away moments from us. Oh ya, I gave a thought about what happened that day, and I had decided only 30% would be it.

Hi friend, congratulations! you are in love! As usual you are the type that I had met before. Exactly that type.

Hey friend, Congratulations! OMG you are dating!!! and you are dating a Mr. M!! OMG OMG!!-- Alright thats the expression u expected from me. Nah~ do not worry, I know you know who is good enough for you.

Woah friend, I still find you as bitchy as ever. Arh suit yourself.

They are still friends no matter what, just friends perhaps.

SO much more to GO

You read me inside out, and understand me more profoundly than anybody else. I let you slip out of my control and oppress my wounded heart from seizure. That day, I had decided to put you down. Confessing my sin is the best heart treatment that I ever got since that day. My heart turns red again.
She was pretty like a doll, attracts attentions and even attracts love. He came and took her heart away merciless just before the year ends. Say goodbye to those unnecessary.
New year new resolutions, one of those list which manage to bug you until you are done with them. I couldn't find the last year's, must had left it in church. Wonder how ambitious I were, again this year, I gonna write a new one.
1. Walk with God til the end, get myself fit into a church, serve him.
2. Pay more attentions to my parents, stop making them worry.
3. Put in more efforts to keep in touch with those who are far from me, I know I'm the lansi one.
4. Contain it, nurture it, get ready for something I'm not good at but willing to love.
5. Yes, violin and french, both of you still making me nuts.
6. As usual, diet and slim down until I can wear a bikini, and make guys nose bleed.
7. Save enough money for my trips and NZ.
8. Eat healthily and get rid of my annoying allergy.
9. Create a new shopping list ASAP.
Ya, I know the last one indeed is the highlight of the whole list.

Chinese New Year is coming and there is so much to look forward to this year because practically my sem break drops on this festive season and I've got the whole month off. Say hooray to it! Thinking of getting manicure but thoughts of so much of washing and cleaning need to be done before CNY put me off immediately because nothing would be left on my nails after Da Shao Chu. Oh ya, I need to have a pair of new shoe. Money money money, its the rich man's world..

I can look good in baju melayu too.

*blink blink*

I must had mentioned it to you, otherwise how would you know what am I talking about all this while.
It came kinda too abrupt, but perhaps I should seen traces and premonitions about what is going to happen.
I welcome you with a chary soul, taking each step with deliberated pause, watching you crossing over the border of my heart. I had let you in with a blissful sentiment, rolling waves caught me off my guards.
Your care and attentions are puffy clouds that style the bright empty sky. I say, hey there, are you a cotton candy?

你要的爱。

虽然不曾怀疑你，还是忐忑不定
谁是你的那个唯一，原谅我怀疑自己。

我明白，我要的爱，会把我宠坏，
像一个小孩，只能在你怀里坏。

你要的爱，不只是依赖，
像个大男孩，风吹又雨打，生活自由自在。

对不起，我好像给不了你要的爱，
它的出现，太远了，我不想去追。

开不了口，它跟我的喉结纠缠，
我看着你，惭愧了，心虚了。

我们放下吧。两年的时间很久，
我会好好的充实自己，成为很棒的那个人。

那天，我们再续，你我都会很完美的结合。
可是，别犹豫地去爱，你我都可以。

不想你了。我会狠下心不再这样，不一样的，想你。

昨天，我还有想到你。

突然发现到，我旧的手机里竟然还有你的讯息，而且看了我心有五分钟情起伏不定。看到我对你说话的口气，我觉得我也有过去，一个我不太想去怀念的过去。虽然我们有快乐过，可是我觉我真的不听话，那个洞是我自己跳下去的，结果就是我感觉到疼了。你们说的对，那是我自找的，活该！

今天我想说，人看开一点，对人对事如果能好好去经营，或许结果会不一样。我向前迈进，有点孤单。我本来就是这样的人，你们把我约束的太紧了，如今我繃开你们的圈圈，有点撇下你们的感觉。可是我真的和你们的生活方式不太一样，我无法接受，曾经努力过配合你们，可是这样的生活无法满足我空虚的心灵。

我讨厌那样的我，黑黑的，像臭虫一样，会给人讨厌！还有那莫名其妙在我手上留下污质的虫，现在我手上留疤了！(就以前听过人家说有一种虫尿在皮肤上会留疤，我发现过后就拼命戳破皮肤，哪里知道它会退掉，另一处我磨破皮肤的就留疤了！）或许人家并不觉得那样得我很令人讨厌，可是我都不喜欢我自己，还会有更糟的事吗？

我自恋，我知道，你知道，他也知道。哈！好像大家都知道。上课都会自拍一下。

可是我觉得自我感觉良好，真的会让人多一份自信，做起事来也会快乐一点点。
努力去做自己喜欢的东西，那份喜悦，也会让你有自信。
可是你懂吗？喜欢的东西不一定是容易的，或许某些程度上的困难，让那东西更有挑战性。我跟男人一样，喜欢那种很难得到的感觉，越是艰难，越想得到它。
应该说，越漂亮的东西，肤浅的我越要占有它，彻底地征服。
它就是a-Lin。
之前朋友跟我讲，你不是应该给它取个名吗？想了几天，也决定好了，


它就是a-Lin.

还有，法文也快把我搞疯了。上完法文课，我都有飘飘的感觉。。

前阵子都有跟家人拍照，挺开心的，因为我好像没有全家福。

哥哥长得像妈妈，我却长得像谁呢？难道我就是传说中从垃圾桶抱来的孩子吗？哈哈。。